It's an artic night in Baltimore - & all my friends have come & gone again. Flying through the starry skies with heavy navy clouds. Wish I could reach up & part them like waves. Wish it was next time already - March with all its plans.
My how great it is - was - a moment ago just then. So close to grasping onto the idea itself. Everyone's trains & planes & dreams away -- everything in planning & earnest fruition too. The joining together of NEW plans & stories. (What blessings!) And the pulling apart too...
Turn & meet - the New Year. It looms next, like tonight's solstice, and everything feels delirious. Tooth aching. Something aching, remembering the promises unkept of last year. The shimmering potentiation that seemed to sparkle above it all. Determinations all answers lay just a year, or sooner, away. What collisions!
And so we make up whatever answers come to mind in strange wake-ups before dawn.
----
You can dream more safely than moving - of the one really wanted. Douse every sweet inch of imagined skin & night with fullest romance. If you took her, blushing, and committed to passion for eternity of nights never lived yet.
Because the thing - it lives. Survives something of you & her - that neither will ever, really reach. Throw a match to the gasoline all the same - in tumultuous raucous sleep. Hating your instincts & loving her; get the rest really needed. Wake & repeat.
We deal our souls into a secrecy - making a quake of desires. Sacred as the eyes leading two to there... The majestic, beautiful, fucked, triumphant failure of wanting & pushing away all at once. Think yourself so proud & grown and feel so...disoriented in every leap that isn't her. So why don't you just steal? Just another sin added to the list, but what of it? -- if she's lying there when you wake, and wake again -- in stead of disappearing like cobwebs back in another nightmare. Trace her body like you would the lines of words & parables & pieces of dust on that lonely bed of yours. Make the phantom so carefully imagined real and so terrifiying..ingly into you. Because maybe this time love won't be the failure. Maybe you'll save yourself in the pools of her eyes, or the ointment of condensation dripping down her chest...
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Got 'till the clock strikes midnight, of ANY nights this dear year. And that's what it's like.
It can be that close -- or that far into seas or stars.
12/26/13
12/15/13
Lost at sea
Think my Soul went off somewhere else a few months back. Back to a hiding place created in childhood. Finally realized how it had been missing --- been so eerie quiet in my heart beats.
Laid on the cold tiles last night trying to breathe slowly. Exhale… and inhale….
Feeling the panic rise again at the waves of….I don't know, life.
Body learned after so many times an instinct; a dread of early tremors. Taught the connection of love to loss.
Ain't that an awful thing. Been trying to teach it otherwise for all the years since that earthquake.
So give me Time after all. Cause I've been begging for everything else. // Pour me the deepest tablespoon of thick ameythst-colored liquid and let it drain into my bloodstream. Let it fix the cracked throat and cracked mind altogether.
I don't know if I had the answers all along, or never ever once. Because everything of memories of a past life --- the sensations ---- seems as if they never were. A forgetfulness has settled quietly, without even realizing, above the raptured break. Above the end. It's the time of year when ice does that too; above broken holly branches and everything --- gets stuck.
----
So if you find yourself out at sea on a cold snowy night where the waves have so much extra force --- and there's a magic you suddenly feel....Try to catch it in a big fishing net -- my soul --- and come on home.
Open the door to find me waiting in a room so blue-dark, -- where corners & drapes & sheets that once filled with reflections by candles and burning sage --- ….and fill it with light again. Bring her back to me wherever she's gone because I'd forgotten the way so long ago…
12/4/13
New Air
There's something about the December air -- The very breathe of it makes wide room for pulling near. For drawing close and opening, like the splintering of early ice, conversations of the past. Healing and shivering all at once.
/ / / All Autumn you've repeated the same words over again, until they match the rhythm of crunching leaves while walking --- and you've forgotten all original meaning has faded. / / /
Now, exposed there's the reminder of the New Year, of the holidays, and all regained hope for new passions.
The fire crackles there under the mantle, and we envy it instantly. Yearn for the passion and the warmth, beneath layers of blankets and hidden wounds of a past year. Dive into the depths of tea cups in hopes that all will feel as calm --- and yet in brilliant, falling, opposition as well.
This time of year, I wish the month in its entirety could be spent freely --- I'd wander the now-barren woods, watch the waters on the Bay rolling over cold, and embrace all the loved ones near. The finality of it all --- wastes no time in finding jolly times. Waste no time, while the snow holds off a bit longer, and there's places to be...
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